What Life has taught me

Life has taught me a lot of things, things I honestly wish I was never taught... It's taught me that really awful things definitely do exist, it's taught me survival and its taught me to let go of what I pictured life to be, and find joy in the story I am actually living.

It all started with Baxter my eldest son who was born in August 2015. The life altering year. He was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia when he was 6 weeks old. Yep, you did read right.. just 6 weeks old. It's pretty hard to imagine, but yes it does happen, and yes it was horrendous. It's actually something I still feel very uncomfortable sharing, not because I don't want to share our story or raise awareness, it's just all too real. It's an everyday real. To this day Baxter is still suffering from the damage of his treatment, he has severe developmental delays, an intellectual disability a neurological disorder and attends therapy 4 days a week. a tough gig for any child.

Baxter received a gruelling chemotherapy protocol that took him to the edge of death one too many times, and to describe what that looked like or felt like as his mum, is a difficult one... life moved around me but time stood still. I close my eyes and I am still there, amongst the gut wrenching screams and endless tears, I can still feel every emotion and the loneliness I felt trying to navigate the unknown.

You know people get Cancer, and you know too many die from the disease each and every day, but I honestly never realised how prevalent it was in Children when he was diagnosed. I was nieve, I think I'm glad I was to a certain degree. If I knew what was going to happen to Baxter throughout his treatment prior, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gone through with his treatment at all. Watching anyone, but particularly a newborn baby and your son go through the therapy was...well... devastating. The hurt, the damage, the impact and the silver lining that being remission is honestly a story on its own. It has hurt me, deeply... but there are a few things that I will be forever thankful for, like my son's extraordinary determination and the life lessons that I have been taught along the way.

I have learnt that there is something to be grateful for each and every day, whether that is the fresh air on your face or the golden sunrise that pops through the lounge room window, life is never guaranteed and the small stuff really doesn't matter.

The biggest impact it has had on me in particular, is gratitude. The beyond deep gratitude, of how lucky we are to have good health. Really, have a think about it... what are we without good health?

BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE!!!

When life felt like it was beginning to feel somewhat normal again in 2019 we were hit with another hurdle when Baxter was then diagnosed with Autism Spectrum disorder also known as ASD. It truthfully felt like nothing was ever going to go our way again....The world came tumbling down around me and I actually didn't know how to process, or understand the realism of the diagnosis. We were told about how his life was going to be different, he probably won't talk, achieve the developmental milestones, enjoy an independent life or be aware of his emotions, and let me tell you the reality of this was desolating. I was unaware of any type of diagnosis, so to me that day the remaining pieces of my heart shattered and I felt like I had lost all hope. You keep going because you have to, but I have never been the same person since that moment. The emotional heartbreak understanding Cancer and getting him through his treatment, to then Baxter being categorised as disabled hurt my soul profoundly, but with time I now understand that this is only a term used to describe his differing abilities, not what defines him as a human being. I had to learn all about the ASD world, his autistic language, sign language, behavioural strategies, social stories, visual charts, routine to the T, NDIS, finding the right therapists, managing therapy, and finding people and settings that will nurture Baxter for who he is. He tries so hard to fit into a world that doesn't understand him and because of that I will ride this beautiful ride with him forever.

"LIFE GRATITUDE"

With all of Baxters challenges, and the challenges that it brings me mentally and emotionally every single day, the impact on my marriage, on my husband and my other beautiful son Dallas, this "life" gratitude always stops me in my tracks and reminds me that there is always someone doing it tougher. I know there is. So with that in mind, I am grateful this story is mine. Even though my heart hurts more than I ever thought it would, and its so sad at times, it's mine... and it's what's shaping me into the person I am today.

I guess now you can probably understand what has drawn me to photography and photographing life, real life. It only happens once, things change, children grow and then eventually people die... so why not capture some of the beautiful moments in between, because there's plenty and everyone deserves beautiful memories.

A quote I came across lately by one of my favourites Morgan Harper Nichols seemed to resonate with me deeply;

"No matter how heavy the memories fall upon your heart, no matter what has come together or what was torn apart, there is still a reason you made it this far. And how after everything that happened you are blooming as you are."

Remember to always give thanks for your health, and the life you are living. Good health is an absolute blessing.

Emma X